space. him. torn.

space.

I sent it. I don't know what to make of our conversation. He doesn't know how he feels about me. But he cares. When I bunked off he wasn't mad at me, he couldn't stop thinking about how much I was hurting. He wants to be friends. He wants a relationship. He wants me. I honestly don't know what the hell he wants anymore. He says he needs space. Today was the last day of school. Is Summer enough space? He won't be in my class next year. After that I don't know if I'll ever have enough courage, or even an excuse to talk to Luca ever again. I', starting to wonder if he's worth all this.

him.

Ashley had a girlfriend, I didn't know. He came to me when they had problems, and man was she being unreasonable. Last night he left her, I was the first to know and I've already seen a change in him. We walked to the bus-stop together afterschool and caught the bus into town, chatting nonstop the whole way. Luca was on the bus too, by himself. We asked him to sit with us but he wouldn't even look at me. Ashley said he liked my outfit, that I have a nice scent (?) and that I'm a good person. We have so much in common. I like him, being with him is easy. It reminds me of how Luca and I were as friends, but there's something more than friendly about us. I forgot to get his number, so I'll msn him later.

torn.

Luca. Ashley. Luca. Ashley. Luca. Ashley. Lucalucalucalucalucalucalucaluca. Ashleyashleyashleyashleyashleyashleyashley. I'm in two right now.

Please vote on the new poll :)

luca

SHOULD I TEXT HIM? Tomorrow is our last day, I just want to know where we stand. Do you think he would reply? I have the message ready and everything,but I'm not sure if I should hit send. Help.

SHUTUP. indecent. hope.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? Do you have no life? Does it make you feel good when you make me feel small? Do you realize your actions have consequences? How would you like it if I did the same to you? You'd be ready to kill. So why do it to me? You think you're so hard with your fourth year girlfriend and your seemingly endless supply of friends. But the truth is, they're not really your friends. They're just as empty and until they see the light, there is no hope for any of you. I might brush off your comments calmly and act like I don't care. My face won't go red and my eyes won't water, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. JUST FXCK OFF AND GROW UP.

indecent.

Today we had a baseball day, sorta like an end-of year thing. I had no idea this was happening so since it was the end of the year I'd already donated my sports uniform. So what was I to do? An old tracksuit that had colors half matching the school ones and a white vest top for under my hoodie were the best I could do. We all sat on the grass for the morning watching the game and it was fairly cloudy so we kept wrapped up in our jackets. But after a while the sun came up so everyone took off their jackets, including me. So I'm wearing my sports vest-top. I go about my day passing about thirty or more teachers, none of which make any comment. Until after lunch, I'm out on the grass sitting with the other girls in my form class chatting away. This would probably be a good time to mention that my *ahems* are quite big. Mrs. ***** comes up to me with a H-U-G-E top, complete with a rant on how my top was 'inappropriate' 'indecent' and 'degrading to women' and makes me put the smelly top from lost property on. I ask everyone else what was so bad about my top, but they didn't know, they said it wasn't like it was revealing or anything. I know you're reading this probably thinking 'she's such a slut' etc. but if you knew me you'd understand. My mum and me have been feminists for as long as I can remember and I would never where something for the sake of showing flesh and attracting boys. So later on I catch her talking to another teacher, discussing how inappropriate it was. And what was wrong with it? Apparently you could see a smidgen of my bra strap and that my top was clearly meant to show of my *ahems*. Trust me woman, if I wanted to show them off you sure would know about it. Why do have a problem with just my sports gear when half the others girls are wearing way worse than me? If most of the other staff with far higher authority don't see a problem why do I have to answer to you when your clothes are worse? Aaargh.

hope.

So Luca and me can talk if put together, but we haven't been for the sake of talking. There have been no usual texting frenzies or msn conversations lasting for hours (seven is our record, we stay up all night). As you can probably tell by this post I've had an awful day. I posted about it on facebook: Mrs ***** calls me a slut, awful photo of me online, no sugar or decent food in the house, apparently I'm doing GCSE french and my hair dye is running WHAT A GREAT DAY >:( Now, if you know Luca you'll know he never comments on anything unless it's important to him. He commented. Maybe there is still hope of repairing our broken friendship?

*cough* DO THE POLL NOW *cough*

remains. bonuses.

remains.

Today is Sunday, the day where in Northern Ireland you legally have to do nothing. This isn't a problem for me most of the time, but when you're in the overthinking-everything-as-much-as-possible mood you start to wonder if everyday was a Sunday if you would still be sane. Did that make sense? I hope it did... Anyway I was in this mood and was thinking about the whole Luca situation. Sometimes I can just nod and accept it, but in others I can't get my head around it. It's just so frustrating. One minute I can totally handle it and the next I just want to break down and cry my heart out. I might put a brave face on it and act like I don't care but it's eating away at my insides. The bandage I've put on has temporarily stopped the blood, but when I dare to unwrap it again the pain bleeds through, as strong as the cut once was.

bonuses.

Poll. Just over to your left, cheers if you voted.

Song of the Week. Changed every week, could be anything from Thin Lizzy to Daft Punk. This week it's Paramore.

volume. one week. fearless.

volume.

Best friday night ever! I have permanently damaged my hearing (as there is still a screeching sound in my ears after 24 hours), my head and feet ached and I was flat out after. SO WORTH IT. I listened to six local new bands, all of which I fell in love with. I was literally sitting on the edge of the stage leaning against the speakers while shaking my noggin (haha that didn't come up on spellcheck - it really is a word!). Bree and I had such an amazing time! There were six bands, but I've forgotten the name of the two warmup ones and they're not on the poster and I can't find them on lastfm (oh the woes). The ones I can remember are: Before Machines, Panama Kings (Briar loved them), In Case of Fire (major eye-candy) and The Wonder Villains! The Wonder Villains were by far the best in my book (but they were all great). Their songs were so unbelievably awesome sounding and true, my favorites were TV, Spacejam and Oh Peter (about Peter Petrelli from Heroes!). Here's Oh Peter live:

♥ Oh Peter, we know fiction isn't fair. You were the best one, well did you have cut your hair? You exploded at the end of season one. Oh Peter, looks like it all went wrong! ♥

one week.

Happy one week anniversary! Can you believe Dreams & Screams is only a week old? Hiding in my bedroom hunting down a decent template and nervously typing the whole Luca situation seems like years ago, but it's only just happened.

fearless.

This time a week ago to everyone in school I was the girl with 'EPIC FAIL.' written on her forehead and was likely to have her head banged against lockers (our school has some right psychos - don't ask) . But now I don't care (or pretend not to) about what people think. My hair is no longer mousey brown, it's a fiery red. I'm done being too scared show who I am because I'm different. Standing out is a lot harder than fitting in and going with the crowd, but they don't get that. They can smell fear like animals, so instead of letting them get to me I'm trying to convince myself I don't have any. I think it's working, they've backed off for now. But not showing any weakness sure is tiring.

scarlet. low. at last. breakthrough.

scarlet.

Got about a million stares today, as predicted. But plenty of complements too. I knew it was nice, just not that nice. The boys made jokes of course, but it was so worth it. I've gained a range of new nicknames; Cherry top, Scarlet, Strawberry Shortcake, Passion (because the dye I used was called red passion, lol) but they're not that bad. A few weeks ago a guy in my class meant to dye it blonde but left it too long and it turned a sour yellow, we call him Sunshine. The teachers want me to dye it back, but stuff them I'm not going to. There are three schooldays left until Summer so why should they care anyway? Screw them.

low.

The whole year thought my hacker was Daniel, so guess what he does? He tells everyone that I did it myself. Why would I do that? What the hell is his problem? He could just face up to everything, he'd get a lot more respect if he manned up and admitted what he's done.

at last.

Ashley and I had our first proper conversation today. To my surprise he knew my name. We talked about him twisting his arm and said he liked my hair. From what I know of him I like, I guess as we talk more I'll know where we stand. Only saw him once today when I was talking to him, so no weird eye thing. We'll see if it happens again on Monday...

breakthrough.

We're talking. About music and movies and life in general. I'm relieved. We'll never be as close again, but at least he's stopped avoiding me. We had an assembly for nearly three hours today and he was stuck next to me. Either he sucked it up or realized if he bunked anymore classes he'd be expelled. Whatever the reason, I'm glad we're back on good terms.

yay! 'eyes.' restart.

yay!

Hair is red! And looks damn good! I am actually so pleased! Gave my mother a heart attack when I came home tonight, she had no idea I was getting it done. She was all 'but it's bad for your hair' and blahblahblah. Yes woman, I know the risks. And I still did it. Teachers are going to flip out tomorrow, and I'm guessing everyone will stare me as I am the shy girl who couldn't possibly do something as crazy as dying her hair red. It will look good for the concert me and Bree are going to tomorrow night.

'eyes.'

I am pretty new to my group, and they have acquaintances I'm not too familiar with yet. One of these is Ashley (boy). We seem to have this eye contact thing, we haven't talked properly but it seems like everytime we're near or pass in the corridor (which is a lot) we have this weird eye contact thing. He'll look then look away, I'll look then look away and so on until we're gone.

restart.

Luca and I had an actual conversation today. Ok, it was across a room of noisy people and only thirty seconds long, but it's a start. We were able to talk endlessly before and always got annoyed when we were interrupted. Surely we could do better? We should be treasuring these last few days of school, we won't be in all the same classes, maybe even none next year. I miss you.

red?

Going for a haircut in two hours. I have boring brown medium length hair. I am so sick of it and have been thinking of dying it red for ages, but I don't know if I'll go through with it or not. This would be the colour I'd want:

I've made two lists to help me decide:

Reasons not to dye my hair:

1. The school wouldn't like it.

2. It could go horribly wrong.

3. My roots will show after a few weeks and I'll have to get it done again!

4. People might think I'm doing it for attention.

Reasons to dye my hair:

1. If it goes well it would be awesome.

2. It sorta suits my personality, no idea how, it just does.

3. I'd stand out instead of being invisible.

4. It would make me feel more outgoing, screw the school.

5. It's RED. Why not?

6. I want to!

7. It would be a lot prettier.

8. Anything's better than dull brown.

9. I have to dye it sometime, why not start now?

I really want to. I guess I'll see what I feel like then, main post coming up later, by then I might have a new hair colour!

cleared. not one word. fraped.

cleared.

Recently I cleaned my bedroom for the first time in 2010 (I am a mega procrastinator at times.)You can see the floor. All of it. My mother is in shock. But I'm liking having space to move and it makes for better thinking space. I think so, anyway.

not one word.

WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME? You are deliberately late so you don't have to sit next to me in form. You switch seats in Biology and bunk during French. We were best friends. We have so much in common and so many memories together. You're willing to throw all that away so fast? I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just want my mate back. Luca, please just let me explain.

fraped.

Otherwise known as hacked on facebook. I don't know for sure but I think it's Daniel, no-one else I know would write anything that bad. I got total randomers commenting online saying how unfair it was and hugged by people I have never talked to in school today. I can't do anything about Daniel (like report him to the school) because I don't want him showing them all my problems (my mother would be investgated and stuff :/) and to be honest I think it would just give him more satisfaction.

the moment you've all been waiting for...

Yep. I went to school yesterday. Actually, I think I'll do a narrative. I'm in that sort-of mood...

It was the morning of the day I'd been dreading. Drops of sunlight seeped through the cracks in my curtains and formed crooked lines on the wall. I had barely slept the night before, so was even more reluctant to leave the comfort of my lilac bedcovers. Curled up at my feet making little grunting sounds is Munchkin. My arm slides over the blankets, gives her a stroke and moves her gently over, freeing my legs.

It only takes a glance at the clock to make me scramble out of bed and into the bathroom, where I rush through brushing my teeth and my vitamin moisturising techniques. Back in my room, I dive under piles on the floor, searching for my school uniform. Eventually I realise it's Monday and my skirt, jumper and tie are hung where I put them yesterday after the gruelling process of ironing.

Clothes go on and I rush to school. I'm late, as usual so I walk up to our form room alone. I can hear the rest of the class talking; Daniel, Luca and blog are just a few of the words that roll of their tongues. A few puffs of my blue inhaler are in order to slow my breathing down. Trembling, I enter the room. People continue talking, but their eyes are definitely on me so I end up looking at the floor.

My assigned seat is at the back of the class, next to Luca and one of his (jerk) friends, but they're not there. The only person more likely to be late than me is Luca, so I thought this was fairly normal. Heaving a sigh of relief I sit down and wait for the bell.

The next few classes are easy, we're just sitting talking and doing pointless things. The conversation revolves mostly around Sarah, after a brief article was published in the paper. But after speaking to one of her best friends I knew a lot more about the situation so told people what I knew. You can read an article about Sarah here.

At break there's a small crowd of pupils in tears; Sarah's best friends. I decide it's better not to go near them, I don't really want to upset them any more then necessary. Of course, there are always sick people who take advantage of these situations by pretending that it meant something to them to get pity. Even though I am angry I'm not going to say anything to them, Sarah would have just let them realise how stupid they were being themselves.

The next hour is spent looking for nail-polish remover before the make-up check for the stupid 'Celebration of Achievement' practice, or as I like to call it 'Let's give people who don't deserve awards to make people who do feel bad day' It's so pointless, you sit for two hours and watch people walk across a stage getting awards they don't deserve. One pupil in my class, a real idiot who has never said a nice thing to anyone and doesn't try hard in anything is getting about six. While Helen, once of the nicest smartest people I know isn't even getting one.

There isn't enough room in the hall for all the non-achievers such as myself so we're all shipped up to Maths. My maths teacher really doesn't like me considering I flunked studying for our exam this year to go ice-skating. When we got the papers back he had this whole speech for the class, it went something like this:

Some people did very well in this test. However some did not *glares directly at me*. Some people obviously spent hours studying, while others *glares* could not be bothered. Next year this will not be tolerated so get your act together. *glares again*

But he seemed to be in a good enough form today to let us slack off.

Lunch was the difficult part of the day. People are looking at me again, but since Luca was a no-show nobody said anything. Luca isn't sick, I know that because it was his facebook status. I don't know why he wasn't in. Maybe he's avoiding me? I wouldn't blame him.

Daniel kept walking past, loudly exclaiming quotes from my old blog. Someone said he had printed the whole thing off just so he could read extracts to anyone that would listen and that he plans to photocopy the 'funny ones' and hand them out. My face has given a whole other meaning to the colour red.

As you can see yesterday wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be. Only because Luca etc. weren't in though. Today is the prize giving, I'll be surprised if I win anything though. In Year 8 I received a trophy for ICT and a certificate for English (yes, back in the day I was a little goody two shoes) as well as the prestigious junior spirit plaque that reads 'You are what you do'. In Year 9 I didn't even get a school pen. This year I was hoping for a certificate in Geography or Home Economics because I've tried so hard in them this year, but my name isn't down for the stage cue so I guess not.

I haven't even bothered showing up, there's no point. Plus I would have to tie my hair back, do my top button, tuck in my shirt along with other pointless things. I sort-of wonder what happened today on the whole Luca front, I'm not brave enough to text him so I'll probably end up texting Kate instead.

Tonight three of my younger cousins are coming to stay, it could be anything from one night to a few weeks, we're not sure. Mum and I will have our hands full, that's for sure. I don't know if I'll have time for posting, or even a spare minute to myself. Hopefully it won't be that bad, but if it is I'll just have to blog when the house is tucked in for the night. Don't fear readers, I will find a way!

father's day. just like that. tomorrow.

This is to going be sad. I'm sorry, but right now I can't think of anything else. I need to put this somewhere. You don't even have to read it.

Today I have not been able to stop crying. I am in actual shock and still can't believe what's happened.

father's day.

I haven't spoken to my dad for four years today. The thought of his Scottish accent makes me feel sick. He walked out years ago, leaving mum in a complete mess and a ten year-old me to pick up the pieces. Everything was crazy, I would come home from school to find my mother gone. Sometimes she didn't comeback for days at a time, leaving me to fend for myself. When she was at home, she was upstairs crying in the dark. I worried so much I couldn't concentrate in school and fell behind. I still struggle with Science and Maths as a result. You made my life hell, you wouldn't even bother to contact or send help every once in a while. Would it have killed you to check if everything was ok? Apparently. Thanks for nothing. Happy father's day, dad.

just like that.

Today someone was taken away from us. She was a beautiful person inside and out. Only fifteen. It was so sudden. We still don't know exactly how it happened. There was a rumour spread about alcohol, by someone who barely knew her. I think that's horrible, even if it is true. A friend of a friend, we weren't that close. But what I saw of her I really liked, she was so kind and always had a smile on her face. I saw her a few days ago, walking down the road. I was in a hurry so I passed her by. Now she's gone. I wish I had taken the time just to say hello or ask her how she was, but I didn't. I feel so guilty. I will never have that chance again. I should have made an effort. Now she's gone, just like that. Rest in peace, Sarah.

tomorrow.

I shouldn't be worrying about this at all. Sarah really put it into perspective for me. WHY SHOULD I FUSS ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID WHEN THERE IS SOMEONE LYING DEAD? I am such a terrible person. But I am still dreading tomorrow.

theywontstoptheywontstoptheywontstop

Everyone's seen it. The whole school. I can just imagine the looks and taunts I'll get on Monday. I don't know how I'm going to bear it. I've received message after message saying: lol your blog is so funny etc. And they won't stop. It's driving me crazy. And they're getting worse. Don't they have lives? Or any decency? Or compassion? They think I'm hilarious, and hilarious to tease. Do they think it makes them smart or something? That it makes them a better person, because it doesn't.

And Luca definitely knows. He's blanking me (of course) and he never does that without a reason. It's sick and twisted that people (mainly Daniel) are laughing at my pain, how would they like it if I treated them that way? But I wouldn't. Treat others as you would yourself (unless they deserve it). That's what I live by, as well as simple kindness as a religion. I try to stick to it. But lately it's becoming difficult. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else for a while, until all this fades away. But I have to face this, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts (which will probably be a lot).

Some people have been nice though. The amazing bloggers have made my day, all your lovely comments (which I have all replied to) and follows. Thank you all so much! A few people with sense have also emailed me, asking if I'm ok etc. which is good. At least there are some sane people left on the little green isle. But one text made me laugh, it was from Keira. I asked what I missed on Friday (after bunking off) and she replied:

Yeah Mrs ***** was hit by a fighter plane. Helen dyed her hair but it feel out. Eve's pregnant. Sandy killed a squirrel. Kelly jumped off the roof. And I filmed the whole thing.

Texts like that complete me.

first post

My first post on yet another blog. Please don't groan and go 'oh great, she's up and moved again' as this is my fourth (yes fourth) blog I've had to restart in the past year. And I am so sorry to all my readers, you guys can leave if you wan't. You don't have to read this you know.

Great! You're still here! See? That was a test. I knew they would all go, but you kept on reading! Well done ;)

Anyway, I am very sad about leaving my thirty followers behind. That took hard work to get them all you know? I can't really help being angry at everyone responsible, but there is one person who just had to go and ruin everything. Yes that is possible. Right now it is 3pm and I am hiding in my bedroom. Why aren't I in school you ask? Because I actually don't know how I am ever going to face Luca ever again.

If you are one of the (amazing) faithful people that has stuck with my blogs, (which seem to be as unreliable of staying in the same place as a rogue train) then you will know all about Luca. For those (also lovely) newbies here is a recap:

Luca and I are very good friends. I sit next to him in nearly every subject (it's alphabetical - that's how we became friends). Unfortunately I've had a H-U-G-E crush on him (seriously, so major) for years and he will never return my feelings. And boy does that hurt. A lot.

On my old blog, I wrote about all this in great detail. Now, the internet being an extremely large place I thought this was all well and good and that nobody I knew in person would ever find it. In some ways it was safer than a diary.

But not safe enough, apparently. Luca's friend Daniel (who is the most creepy and annoying person ever to walk the planet) fancied me loads in year 9 (I am now near the end of year 10) and asked me out. I turned him down nicely (you know, Luca being the only one for me etc.). Then he asked me out again. And again. And again. So I started avoiding him (as I don't like to disappoint people) but then he started stalking my bebo (yes I know it's dead now but it was nearly two years ago ok?) and spamming my msn and inbox. I snapped. He was practically stalking me and me being human, I eventually lost it.

Daniel finally left me alone. I didn't have anything to do with him up until now, when someone sent me a message:

Daniel published your blog on facebook :/

I'd blocked him (for being a stalker) so got someone else to send me a link. Sure enough, there was everything I had written about Luca and my life in general that I didn't want people to know. And he was tagged. Along with everyone else in it. Tears clouded my eyes and wouldn't stop. Did he really hate me that much after all that time so he decided to ruin the most valued friendship I had? And for everyone else to see? I couldn't believe it. And am still in shock.

Luca texted me asked why I wasn't in. I replied: Sick. Our codeword for go away. Keira texted me too, everyone knows. She says I can live it down but I'm not sure.

What am I going to do on Monday?