reality is a bitch.

how things should be.
Buzz. I open my eyes, roll over and grab my phone. 1 new message - Ashley: Good morning sunshine (: A smile spreads across my face and I get up. I carefully choose an outfit I know he'll love and put on my make-up. Buzz. I'm on the bus, cya at your stop (: The sun's beaming down on me as I sit on the bench and the minutes tick by. The bus pulls up, I pay my fare, turn to see Ashley and take the seat next to him. He tells me about his latest tennis match, we laugh at the idiots at the back and I run the plot of my latest manuscript by him. We're early so we lie on the grass outside city hall until the others arrive. Kelly and David show up and we wonder around, his hand in mine. Once or twice I catch his eye and he grins, I laugh. It starts to rain and I have no jacket, so he gives his to me. It's warm and absolutely huge on me, the best feeling in the world. The pair of us return to the stop, we're freezing so we sit close, my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. 


how it is.
Buzz. I open my eyes, roll over and grab my phone. 1 new message - Ashley: Where are you? You missed the bus! Shit. I scramble out from under the sheets and pull on the first clothes I can find, no time for anything else. It's pouring as I run to the bus stop. I get on the next one, pay my fare and sit down alone. When I finally arrive I scan the street for Ashley, I can't see him anywhere. David finds me. Ashley's gone to find Kelly and we're to meet them somewhere else so I'm stuck listening to David moaning about being single. The reason he's single? All he bloody does is complain. When Kelly and Ashley finally appear they're laughing together. He stays near her the whole time. I see the way he looks at her, it's dead obvious because it's the same way I look at him. Everyone in the whole world can see it except him, he's blinded by everything she does, immune to anything else. I can barely get a word in edgeways because David doesn't want to shut up or leave me alone so I don't get a chance to talk to Ashley until everyone else is gone and we're waiting for the bus. The pair of us are both shivering from the cold, he tells me a song to listen to and I tell him he'd better wear his awesome Led Zepplin t-shirt next time. The bus comes and we laugh at the idiots at the back. There's a moment where we accidentally touch hands, we go quiet and our eyes seem to meet. A voice in my head says Kiss him! Or just tell him how you bloody feel. Then I realize it's my stop so I stutter a goodbye and hop off the bus. As it drives away I'm cursing myself for doing nothing. 

injections of FEAR

narrative
Today was very incredibly, extremely... you get it. Not good. I have a phobia of of anything sharp and metal (don't ask) so I walked into school and struck with the horrible news that there were people coming to stick a needle in my arm. Kelly and I spent the morning freaking out. Ashley text Kelly (and said hi to me = win!) then came in thinking someone had died, we were so worked up. He told me to message him when the terror started. The bell went so we trailed off to our form room. That's when we were told we'd be getting them first thing. 


Down in the hall four desks were laid out, piled high with white boxes. Sat at them were four women, sharpening their needles most likely. We rolled up our shirt sleeves and sat in the line. I filled my application with the receptionist (she asked me if there was any possibility of me being pregnant, I so badly wanted to say yes just to see the look on her face but I didn't) then she said take a seat. That's when I started trembling. I barely remembered to send Ashley a text. 


I had no real reason to be scared, it was Kelly who did; she always faints. But she went first. And  slumped in her seat as soon as it was in. Name after name was called and eventually I was. I stayed rooted to the spot. They'd obviously seen this before so somehow managed to drag me over to one of the tables and inject me. Okay, I was held down but only by two nurses, which is a record for me. 


My arm ached for a bit afterwards, I tensed it. I was monitored for fifteen minutes afterwards, purely because of my freak out. Kelly was there too, due to her dizziness. Luca made an appearance and chatted to us as if we're all friends. We haven't spoken since Summer. What is he playing at? If he wants to be friends why doesn't he just say so instead of hey I ruined your life but it's ok for me to come back into it with no warning whatsoever, yeah? Aaargh. Ashley text back how did it go? are you both ok? I didn't see it until I was sitting next to him at lunch but it still made me smile, knowing he was thinking about me. 


In History I heard someone say I slapped the nurse who had injected me then swore at her loudly. I corrected whoever said it right away and asked who'd said it: Daniel. I should have known, but I won't let him get to me.


Mad day, sore arm, but I guess that's all in the name of tetanus protection, right? 

rainy day

This is a little complicated, I honestly don't blame you if you can't keep up.

Sunday started out like any other day, normal; I got up, had a shower and put on my makeup. Then I got a text: I'm on the bus! Go to the stop now.Ashley. I ran. Faster than I believed I could to the shelter. I was out of breath when I got there (I'm asthmatic) but I was early. I fixed my hair and made sure my eyeliner hadn't smudged as I waited anxiously. Then the bus pulled up. I payed my fare, turned and walked down the aisle and there he was. I'd forgotten how beautiful he was. His smile made me want to melt. I sat down beside him and we chatted, compared shoes and laughed. There are three from our group that live in my area, but Keira was getting a lift so it was just the two of us. We were the first there so we sat on the grass together in the sun, I lay gazing at the sky but he didn't.

God knows how long we were there, it was wonderful, I felt so infinite. Eventually we spotted the others: Helen, Sandy, Keira and Kelly. They sat down too, but Ashley changed then, he grew quiet and only really spoke to me. Kelly had confessed to me that she liked him the night before, and later Ashley brought her up in the conversation. He asked me to ask her to meet (snog) him. I would do just about anything for him so with regret I did. She said yes. So that was what they'd planned. 

We walked around and looked in shops. Kelly and Ashley barely said anything to eachother the first while. I had to buy a formal dress for a wedding so when Kelly and Keira went off to buy cookies Sandy, Helen and Ashley tagged along with me to a dress shop. Helen and Sandy picked out dresses for me to try on while Ashley stood awkwardly outside the fitting rooms. Eventually we found on that I thought looked alright on me, by that time Keira and Kelly were done at the cookie stand and everyone said it looked lovely. Ashley, Helen and Sandy left to get pizza and Kelly and Keira waited on me while I paid for the dress. "You looked so hot in that dress, Ashley was so impressed" said Keira. "R-really?" I stammered. "Yeah, you looked gorgeous" she smiled. Kelly stayed quiet.

After lunch we went to a few shops and I noticed how alike Ashley and I are, and the differences between Kelly and Ashley. We both love rock music and heroes, she loves Miley Cyrus and The X-factor. In clothes too, I'll see something rocky and he'll like it, she won't. She dragged us into the disney store where Hannah Montana was playing loudly and everyone bar Ashley and I did the hoedown throwdown, we pretended that we didn't know them. 

The last place we went was New Look, I bought a bag to match my dress so Kelly, Ashley and I ran around looking for an open checkout before the store closed. We eventually found one with a mile long cue, so while I cued the others waited outside. Soon Ashley came back inside, alone. The others had gone off to buy a swimming costume for Sandy and one of them had suggested he'd stay with me. 

The rain came down and we ran to our bus stop for shelter and texted everyone else letting them know where we were. They found us then said goodbye. Keira got a lift, Helen took a cab and Sandy and Kelly got the bus.That left Ashley and me totally alone. We were both soaked through and shivering. That bus was forty minutes late. We had a very deep conversation, he told me what he's afraid of; he has a phobia of looking at the sky. I told him my phobia of falling from a height. I asked if he was disappointed about not meeting Kelly, he replied "a bit."

On the bus was fun too, it was still raining when I got off. I smiled the whole way home. Later I talked to Kelly on msn, it was her idea to leave us alone. But I thought she liked him? What is going on?

the moment you've all been waiting for...

Yep. I went to school yesterday. Actually, I think I'll do a narrative. I'm in that sort-of mood...

It was the morning of the day I'd been dreading. Drops of sunlight seeped through the cracks in my curtains and formed crooked lines on the wall. I had barely slept the night before, so was even more reluctant to leave the comfort of my lilac bedcovers. Curled up at my feet making little grunting sounds is Munchkin. My arm slides over the blankets, gives her a stroke and moves her gently over, freeing my legs.

It only takes a glance at the clock to make me scramble out of bed and into the bathroom, where I rush through brushing my teeth and my vitamin moisturising techniques. Back in my room, I dive under piles on the floor, searching for my school uniform. Eventually I realise it's Monday and my skirt, jumper and tie are hung where I put them yesterday after the gruelling process of ironing.

Clothes go on and I rush to school. I'm late, as usual so I walk up to our form room alone. I can hear the rest of the class talking; Daniel, Luca and blog are just a few of the words that roll of their tongues. A few puffs of my blue inhaler are in order to slow my breathing down. Trembling, I enter the room. People continue talking, but their eyes are definitely on me so I end up looking at the floor.

My assigned seat is at the back of the class, next to Luca and one of his (jerk) friends, but they're not there. The only person more likely to be late than me is Luca, so I thought this was fairly normal. Heaving a sigh of relief I sit down and wait for the bell.

The next few classes are easy, we're just sitting talking and doing pointless things. The conversation revolves mostly around Sarah, after a brief article was published in the paper. But after speaking to one of her best friends I knew a lot more about the situation so told people what I knew. You can read an article about Sarah here.

At break there's a small crowd of pupils in tears; Sarah's best friends. I decide it's better not to go near them, I don't really want to upset them any more then necessary. Of course, there are always sick people who take advantage of these situations by pretending that it meant something to them to get pity. Even though I am angry I'm not going to say anything to them, Sarah would have just let them realise how stupid they were being themselves.

The next hour is spent looking for nail-polish remover before the make-up check for the stupid 'Celebration of Achievement' practice, or as I like to call it 'Let's give people who don't deserve awards to make people who do feel bad day' It's so pointless, you sit for two hours and watch people walk across a stage getting awards they don't deserve. One pupil in my class, a real idiot who has never said a nice thing to anyone and doesn't try hard in anything is getting about six. While Helen, once of the nicest smartest people I know isn't even getting one.

There isn't enough room in the hall for all the non-achievers such as myself so we're all shipped up to Maths. My maths teacher really doesn't like me considering I flunked studying for our exam this year to go ice-skating. When we got the papers back he had this whole speech for the class, it went something like this:

Some people did very well in this test. However some did not *glares directly at me*. Some people obviously spent hours studying, while others *glares* could not be bothered. Next year this will not be tolerated so get your act together. *glares again*

But he seemed to be in a good enough form today to let us slack off.

Lunch was the difficult part of the day. People are looking at me again, but since Luca was a no-show nobody said anything. Luca isn't sick, I know that because it was his facebook status. I don't know why he wasn't in. Maybe he's avoiding me? I wouldn't blame him.

Daniel kept walking past, loudly exclaiming quotes from my old blog. Someone said he had printed the whole thing off just so he could read extracts to anyone that would listen and that he plans to photocopy the 'funny ones' and hand them out. My face has given a whole other meaning to the colour red.

As you can see yesterday wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be. Only because Luca etc. weren't in though. Today is the prize giving, I'll be surprised if I win anything though. In Year 8 I received a trophy for ICT and a certificate for English (yes, back in the day I was a little goody two shoes) as well as the prestigious junior spirit plaque that reads 'You are what you do'. In Year 9 I didn't even get a school pen. This year I was hoping for a certificate in Geography or Home Economics because I've tried so hard in them this year, but my name isn't down for the stage cue so I guess not.

I haven't even bothered showing up, there's no point. Plus I would have to tie my hair back, do my top button, tuck in my shirt along with other pointless things. I sort-of wonder what happened today on the whole Luca front, I'm not brave enough to text him so I'll probably end up texting Kate instead.

Tonight three of my younger cousins are coming to stay, it could be anything from one night to a few weeks, we're not sure. Mum and I will have our hands full, that's for sure. I don't know if I'll have time for posting, or even a spare minute to myself. Hopefully it won't be that bad, but if it is I'll just have to blog when the house is tucked in for the night. Don't fear readers, I will find a way!