smiles. over. again?

smiles.
Kelly and I's camping trip was so much fun! Her mates (most of which I had never met) were all down at the centre so we all hung about. The weather wasn't brilliant, but we were kept dry and that's the main thing. Kelly's so different around her friends, to be honest we didn't spend that much time talking together when were with the group; I got on so well with everyone and they seemed really down to earth. Kelly didn't mind at all, she was more interested in hooking up with her boyfriend. One boy, Sam and I had similar music taste so became pretty close and the other boys were sound too. We went swimming, had a mini disco until 4am, danced about in the dark and had a group campout. Super fun weekend!
over.
Sadly Summer is over. All good things have to come to an end right? I wish not... I've tried on my uniform and realized how very grey and boring it is compared to my array of colorful clothes, I'm going to have to go to bed a reasonable hour (no more late night msn conversations with Ashley, oh the woes) and will have mountains of work to do now I'm in GCSE year... BUT! I did everything I wanted to, check out my list:
1.take too many pictures done! heheh!
2.keep a journal/scrapbook thing a weird diary thing, and I suppose this blog counts too?
3.do something new with my room You can see the floor! 
4.make friends with a Spanish person Me and my Green Peace buddy!
5.do something that scares me  I jumped 15 foot into the Shannon Pot, scary stuff!
6.help a homeless person I gave a woman a sandwhich, drink and a packet of crisps.
7.get on a train chugga chug!
8.get photographed with as many celebrities as possible Dizzee Rascal, Ash and Vampire Weekend! 
9,bake a cake Rainbow Cupcakes! Mmm...
10.get lost did this many times
11.climb a huge tree I was SO high up, it was unreal *shudders*
12.swim with clothes on backstage in the VIP area of Benicasim, in the river Shannon AND in the pool of our villa!
13.go to ikea got a funky frog bin
14.visit a market in espanaaa
15.leave stickynotes everywhere in town saying nice things very refreshing!
16.laze about on the grass in the sun didn't get a tan though, haha
17.listen to some new music MUMFORD & SONS! PUBLIC IMAGE!
18.spend a whole day shopping how about a couple?
19.have a campout Cavan!
20.be so happy that I can smile and my face will hurt while with Ashley, naturally
21.celebrate my 15th birthday in style town, sleepover, waterfight!
22.start writing a book I'm not revealing anything yet!
23.sort out my lovelife Plan = stay friends with Ashley + pray he notices me
24.become a photographer or at least get a photography obsession I am now obsessed with pretty internet pics, I put at least one in every post now and have a memory stick full of them
again
Since it's my fourth year in High School (outta seven) that means GCSE (pressure) year and all our subjects are messed up so it meant we all had to change classes. Watching your friends walk one by one away from you into the unknown is unnerving. So when Eve, Helen, Keira, Sandy and Kelly were all called to the same class with our old form tutor and I was left with Daniel with all his mates slagging me off and a class with people I didn't know or had terrible reputations. Oh. And I didn't get HE, I got stuck with French. At break I met up with my friends and when realized I wouldn't see any of them for more than half an hour a day my eyes watered, eventually I couldn't hold it back anymore and ended up sobbing into Kelly's shoulder. She took my into the toilets and dried my eyes and said "I know what'll cheer you up" pulled out her phone and texted someone, then hauled me outside. "Hey, been a while." It was Ashley. Oh my god he is fit. And funny. And lovely. And yes, it did make me feel better. So I returned to my class to find my timetable was so purely messed up that if I wanted my subjects I'd have to change. I jumped at the chance and was moved to 11D... My old Mr. Bean lookalike form teacher and all my friends! As well as Bethany, someone I met over the Summer who is so nice and we have loads in common. But so is Luca. Oh the awkwardness, I'll probably end up sitting next to him too, stupid alphabetical seating. 

new...

new leaf.

Kelly couldn't do it. She pulled out. Then apologized. I guess she saw how much it was killing me. Now I've never said to her he's mine, back off. Kelly actually said "I would never do that to you" I didn't make her say it. She's actually going out with one of her exes again, so Ashley is pretty crushed. It's another Eve, it's nearly all he talks about. The other bits are basically my life is so awful no-one cares I will never find a girl and then there's me wanting to scream:

SHE'S RIGHT HERE. OPEN YOUR EYES. The weird thing is Kelly's trying to make him see I'm the one for him. So I guess the air between us is cleared, which is good. Kelly and I may be going on a camping trip this weekend actually, a good way to end Summer.


new crowd.
Today I ran into a few of the 'in' crowd while I was walking home through the park. They were two I actually knew well enough to make polite conversation, and they randomly invited me to starbucks. I didn't really have anything better to do so I accepted. When we got there a few more arrived. Let's rewind to the whole ruining of my life situation, so to be fair some people brought it up. One in particular, a friend of Daniel's was the worst. But I took no notice and cooly replied "The really sad thing is that you care when I don't, and I should be the only one who does, it is me after all." to which everyone went OOOOH and he shut up after that. Of course I had to watch my tongue to stop myself saying something dumb but I think I didn't say anything to stupid. Apparently everyone loves my hair, according to them. I asked if they thought I should change it and they told me to keep it exactly as it is. Next year we're all changing classes so I figure it's best to be nice and get to know as many people as possible now so I'll be able to manage easily later.


new dress. 
Tomorrow is the wedding! Quite nervous, it will be the first time I have worn a dress in quite a while. Yep, that's it up there. Picture a four foot eleven girl with bright red hair and very pale skin in it and that's me, kind-of. 

Kelly asked him out. After she promised me she wouldn't.

Ashley said yes.

rainy day

This is a little complicated, I honestly don't blame you if you can't keep up.

Sunday started out like any other day, normal; I got up, had a shower and put on my makeup. Then I got a text: I'm on the bus! Go to the stop now.Ashley. I ran. Faster than I believed I could to the shelter. I was out of breath when I got there (I'm asthmatic) but I was early. I fixed my hair and made sure my eyeliner hadn't smudged as I waited anxiously. Then the bus pulled up. I payed my fare, turned and walked down the aisle and there he was. I'd forgotten how beautiful he was. His smile made me want to melt. I sat down beside him and we chatted, compared shoes and laughed. There are three from our group that live in my area, but Keira was getting a lift so it was just the two of us. We were the first there so we sat on the grass together in the sun, I lay gazing at the sky but he didn't.

God knows how long we were there, it was wonderful, I felt so infinite. Eventually we spotted the others: Helen, Sandy, Keira and Kelly. They sat down too, but Ashley changed then, he grew quiet and only really spoke to me. Kelly had confessed to me that she liked him the night before, and later Ashley brought her up in the conversation. He asked me to ask her to meet (snog) him. I would do just about anything for him so with regret I did. She said yes. So that was what they'd planned. 

We walked around and looked in shops. Kelly and Ashley barely said anything to eachother the first while. I had to buy a formal dress for a wedding so when Kelly and Keira went off to buy cookies Sandy, Helen and Ashley tagged along with me to a dress shop. Helen and Sandy picked out dresses for me to try on while Ashley stood awkwardly outside the fitting rooms. Eventually we found on that I thought looked alright on me, by that time Keira and Kelly were done at the cookie stand and everyone said it looked lovely. Ashley, Helen and Sandy left to get pizza and Kelly and Keira waited on me while I paid for the dress. "You looked so hot in that dress, Ashley was so impressed" said Keira. "R-really?" I stammered. "Yeah, you looked gorgeous" she smiled. Kelly stayed quiet.

After lunch we went to a few shops and I noticed how alike Ashley and I are, and the differences between Kelly and Ashley. We both love rock music and heroes, she loves Miley Cyrus and The X-factor. In clothes too, I'll see something rocky and he'll like it, she won't. She dragged us into the disney store where Hannah Montana was playing loudly and everyone bar Ashley and I did the hoedown throwdown, we pretended that we didn't know them. 

The last place we went was New Look, I bought a bag to match my dress so Kelly, Ashley and I ran around looking for an open checkout before the store closed. We eventually found one with a mile long cue, so while I cued the others waited outside. Soon Ashley came back inside, alone. The others had gone off to buy a swimming costume for Sandy and one of them had suggested he'd stay with me. 

The rain came down and we ran to our bus stop for shelter and texted everyone else letting them know where we were. They found us then said goodbye. Keira got a lift, Helen took a cab and Sandy and Kelly got the bus.That left Ashley and me totally alone. We were both soaked through and shivering. That bus was forty minutes late. We had a very deep conversation, he told me what he's afraid of; he has a phobia of looking at the sky. I told him my phobia of falling from a height. I asked if he was disappointed about not meeting Kelly, he replied "a bit."

On the bus was fun too, it was still raining when I got off. I smiled the whole way home. Later I talked to Kelly on msn, it was her idea to leave us alone. But I thought she liked him? What is going on?

erm...

Aaargh. I can't even... I'm so... If I say anything right now it will be messed up, I'll sleep on it.

glitter. locked. no.

glitter.

My two week drama course has ended, so today we had the showcase. We performed a Midsummers Nights Dream, in which I played Robin Starveling (the tailor, he plays the moon in the mechanicals play) and doubled up as a fairy. Of course I was nervous, but nowhere as near as most of the girls in my dressing room, they were screaming and crying. Completely freaking out. But they calmed down eventually and the show went brilliantly. I'm going to miss everyone, those twelve days together were a blast. One boy, Elliot and I really clashed. We full-on hated each other, it was ridiculous. As the time went it gradually turned into play-fighting, maybe even as far as flirting at points. I sort-of liked him, nowhere near as much as Ashley, of course. But I wouldn't have minded a Summer fling. But I didn't get his number or anything, the last thing we did was throw cupcakes (I still have some in my hair).

locked.

I went to see Tash today. She's been in a mental ward for ten days and she's finally been allowed visitors. The hospital was built in the thirty's, it's ancient and crumbling. It reminds me of Shawshank Prison to be honest. There were three locked doors between the corridor and the ward. Everyone else in there was so much older than her, in their forty's. I was surprised to see that they'd been placed with a teenager. Then again our healthcare service is woeful, the government is too busy fighting over flags to notice anything important. She ran across the room when she saw me, but didn't recognize mum at all. I talked to her about Spain, music and concerts. At first I didn't see what was wrong with her, then suddenly Tasha broke down into tears; she couldn't handle being inside, she hadn't stepped outside for weeks. She tried to get out and asked me to help while she banged on the door, then she forgot my name. 'Manic' is what they called her state then, we had to leave. Seeing her like this is awful, but I'm going to visit as often as I can. According to a nurse I am the first person to make her smile properly since she's been there. That's gotta mean something right? It's hard to believe that this time last year I walked along the beach with the same girl laughing and eating chips, so free. Now she thinks she's been kidnapped and sleeps in a padded cell.

no.

She likes him. He likes her. I made it happen. It's happening. It's killing me.

improvements. repeat.

improvements.

One of my friends, Tasha has been struggling with her mental health lately, I think I mentioned it before. She's been in hospital for a few weeks now, but today I got a call from her mother to say I could visit as she's made progress. It will be a while before she's allowed out again, but she asked about me so the doctors seem to think it's a good idea. I haven't seen her since before I dyed my hair so I hope she recognizes me (and likes it, Tash is very stylish). She should be happy to see me successfully wearing eyeliner, something she'd tried time and time again to teach me. I may even go crazy and put on some eyeshadow, who knows.

repeat.

Ashley asked me to go to town then a movie on Sunday. Nope, it's not a date. I wish. Kelly's coming too. She randomly asked him if he'd like to play tonsil tennis with her sometime, he answered 'depends' but now he seems to have a thing for her. But she knows I like him. I don't get why she asked him to meet her, maybe it was hypothetically? I think Ashley is seeing her differently because of it. I just hope nothing happens between them, I am not having a repetion of the Eve situation with Kelly.

she wouldn't

Would she? She knows how I feel about him.

two. opening up.

two.

I HAVE TWO FREAKING LINES IN THE WHOLE OF A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHTS DREAM. I am pissed off. I'm the only person that likes the text, understands what is going on, actually tries and cares. But that's not good enough for them is it? I love drama, but I really don't see the point in picking people who hate it to represent the whole group when there are people like me who could do it so much better who are being ignored. I know I must sound terrible but there are several others like me who could do a brilliant job if we were given a chance. This week is going to be fun.

opening up.

This is my outlet. At times, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Or from falling apart. The people here are kinder then anyone I've ever met and until recently, were the only ones I could really talk to. Well that's changed a little now. Last night I finally told Ashley some things I have never been able to put anywhere but here. One not even here. I was so scared he'd just back away from the messed up girl that is myself, but he didn't. He smiled and was so nice and supportive. God he's amazing. I wish he was mine so much.

relief. dream.

relief.

The social services visit went well, I got the house in alright knack and the man didn't ask too many questions. I think we're going to be okay.

dream.

In Drama we're performing 'A Midsummer's Nights Dream' by Shakespeare. I love Shakespeare plays more than most so I jumped when I heard I had a chance to be in it. Two years ago when our class did it I was Titania, the fairy queen. It was fun and everything but I remember reading Puck's lines after I'd got the part and thinking 'damn whoever plays him is gonna have fun' so for that reason I'd love to be Puck. I think I'd do a good job, so when she was asking who wanted to read for what part I held back until Puck was called. But it never was and then it was time to leave and the director went off to cast it. I think she's going to choose Ella, the girl who read Puck when we read through the script originally, I read Peter Quince. I hope she doesn't cast me as him, it's a boring part compared to Puck.

dad. panic. possibility.

dad.

If you've been here for the majority of fiction isn't fair (which is only two months so far) it's no mystery to you that I'm not exactly on good terms with my dad. Or even know where he is or what he does to be honest. The man's quite ellusive. My last mention of him was father's day, I wasn't in a very good mood, obviously. But maybe it's time to put that past me? I'm fifteen now, and I'll probably be kicking myself if I don't get to know him in years to come. I know a woman vaguely who may be still in contact so I might pop to her house one day soon. Or ask my mum? Good idea?

panic.

I got a call from Social Services a few days ago, they're coming 'for a chat' on Monday. I am freaking out that they'll send me to a foster home or to live with one of my relatives. They won't get it that mum and I manage just fine on our own. I might be more independent than others my age, but who said that was a bad thing? Who is going to be there for mum if I'm not?

possibility.

Ashley and I seem to be closer than ever at the moment, we talk everyday about everything. I know he doesn't want to meet this girl tomorrow and he knows how scared I am about Social visiting. He is always first to say goodbye, always says sorry for leaving and always signs of with ily xoxoxox etc. I know he did that to Eve when he liked her, so maybe I have a chance?

nerves. sweet dreams - not. if only...

nerves.

This week I'm doing a drama course, to learn about script writing and maybe improve my stutter. Everyone is so much better than me, I just feel so hopeless. I can't seem to measure up to anyone, tomorrow we're auditioning for parts in our showcase. I'd love the main in the Atingony piece or After Juliette but I highly doubt that I'll get it. I'll probably be a tree or something. We've also got to write and perform monologues about inanimate objects and I drew the short straw and have one about a doll. It may actually be the worst thing I've ever written. I'm dreading performing it.

sweet dreams - not.

I spent last night at Sandy's. It was the first time I'd ever been to her house and I felt sort-of out of place. Everything is huge, and I felt so small. I think Sandy picked up on it and made me feel better and I enjoyed the rest of the night. We stayed up and talked for hours (until around 5:30am) Ashley being the main subject of conversation. *sigh* Needless to say, I have no idea how I stayed awake the next day at drama.

if only...

A snipit of Ashley and I's msn conversation from earlier. He's so very lovely...

Me:

I sort-of like someone but they are way to good for me

Ashley:

There probably not you know

Me:

they so are, they're so nice and funny and so outta my league, I'm far too boring

Ashley:

You're not boring ! And I know you can do even better, whoever he is :L

Me:

HE IS. You should see the girls he's gone out with, compared to them I'm a troll :/

Ashley:

YOUR NOT A TROLL

Me:

I am! *hides under bridge, eats goats*

but in all seriousness, I really am

Ashley:

Your NOT :L

Me:

ammmm

Ashley:

NOT

Me:

you is being nice, you don't have to :P

Ashley:

I'm telling the truth mate :L

Me:

nah the weird punk/tomboy/rock girl in the movies is never pretty, I am that girl so yeah :/

Ashley:

Your NOT

Me:

prove it

see, you can't

Ashley:

I can

*shows you your profile picture*

Your always pretty (:

Me:

you are so unbelivably nice, any girl would be so lucky to have you

Ashley:

Right back at ya

But a guy (:

That has got to be the closest I've ever come to telling him how I feel.

sirens. in the past.

sirens.

This is the 'bad news' I was referring to in the last post that I wanted to hold off. I'll make it short and sweet, I'm not allowed to go into details. A friend of mine, Bree (who is nearly sixteen) recently got a new boyfriend, who was a bit older than her (almost twenty). But she's pretty mature and has gone out with older guys before so I didn't think that much of it. Then her family found out his age and banned her from seeing him, but they continued in secret. Next thing I get a phone call from the police asking me to come down to the station to give a statement. He had a criminal record, he's dangerous, he's done time. I may be asked to appear in court, I don't know yet. They took away my friend's phone and computer for evidence and she's been banned from the landline until the end of the Summer, as well as being grounded so I have no way of contacting her. I hope to God she's alright.

in the past.

I went camping just over the border in Cavan and came home on Wednesday. Last year I had a short fling there with Josh, a boy from Dublin. We'd agreed it was nothing serious, we were both just two teenagers messing around. So when I returned to the farm and met up with friends from Summer's past (Josh being one of them) I was shocked, he'd changed so much. The first thing I noticed is that he was so much taller (not hard to pass me but still) and his voice had broken. I was a little shy and wondered if he would remember me, but it was the others who recognized me first. Apart from Josh and I there was Nicole, Stephen, Charlotte and the twins: Sean and Oisin. I feel more relaxed around boys than I do girls so I got on with Sean the best out of everyone. Now, in case you didn't already know this Ireland is a cold place. Even in Summer. And us being crazy adolescents we stayed up until around 4am each night so we were freezing. I tremble quite a bit, I'm a pretty shaky person so by the end of the week I must have worn every boy's jacket. It was on the first evening I'd seen how much Josh had changed: The twins had offered to help me put up my tent (as I am hopeless and it was getting rather dark) so the three of us stumbled around in the dark, Charlotte, Stephen, Josh and Nicole had disappeared. When we'd finally finished Stephen and Charlotte came to find us to see if we'd seen Nicole or Josh - they'd been missing for hours so we all split up and searched. Last year Josh had shown me a clearing with a river about fifteen minutes from camp where he'd go alone. I'd hoped to find him there and maybe talk as we hadn't seen much each other. As I drew near I heard voices, I wondered who would be there besides Josh so I shouted out: "Hello, anyone there?" as I came through the trees. There, sitting together under a tree were Josh and Nicole. I'd obviously interrupted something.

"Hey, what's up?" asked Nicole.

"Um... Everyone's been looking for you two for ages, are you coming down to the fire? Dinner will be done soon..."

"Yeah we'll be there in five minutes, see you then" said Josh. I walked away, not sure if I was hurt or not. After all he had been my fling last year hadn't he? Later that night when Nic went to bed we were all sitting around in the forest (as you do) talking, Josh started talking about her. I got up and left, followed by Oisin and Stephen. We hung out in my tent for a while until Charlotte and Sean appeared outside asking to come in, they'd had enough of him too. Josh and Nicole were soon forgotten and we all laughed and rambled away until the sun came up and we all went back to our tents. When I was finally alone I thought about last Summer. We'd had so much fun and become so close in just a week, he was kind, funny and had an amazing smile. Now he was arrogant, selfish and you couldn't see his face half the time because his hood was always up. It's groundbreaking how much he'd changed in just one year. Then again so had I, on the outside. But I was still the same person inside, for Josh this was not the case. It was like the Josh I knew had been stolen and someone had left a changeling in his place. But I don't regret last Summer, he was a different person back then.

final cut. spilt milk.

final cut.

Tomorrow's the last day of the film course and we're having a private screening of our film. We wrote and edited the script on Monday, on Tuesday we caught the train and shot some country scenes, Wednesday we filmed in the office and around town and today we edited. It'll be interesting to see all our work coming together, though I'm cringing about seeing myself onscreen and hearing my crappy recorded voice. I'd tried to avoid this by volunteering as a statue, I wore David's grey hoodie and washed out jeans while the girls covered me in leaves and wove flowers and sticks into my hair. After that I enjoyed fooling around with the other minor characters. A girl in my year, Bethany and I have gotten quite close. We have quite a bit in common and she taught me how to put on eyeliner (I look like a girl now) so she's definitely in my good books. Some her subject choices are similar to mine so with any luck next year we'll be in one of the same classes.

spilt milk.

Ashley finally let the cat out of the bag. It didn't end well. Eve has always been awkward about feelings, I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend or kissed anyone, which surprises me because she's got such good looks and a great personality. Ashley took it pretty hard but now they're back on normal terms, according to him anyway. But I have this feeling things aren't as good as he says they are. Right now he has no self-confidence, he keeps putting himself down. Before when he was seeing his ex, he was so funny and his smile was gorgeous. I want to make him smile like that. Hopefully he bounces back soon enough, I can't stick him like this much longer it makes me so sad to see him this way. Because there's no use crying over spilt milk.

secrets

Want to know a secret?

You are beautiful.

Black, white, gay, straight, bisexual. Whether you are smart or quiet or impossibly in love with your best friend, someone out there cherishes your smile and gets butterflies when you walk into a room.

Someone out there can't stop thinking about you. You Are Beautiful. Don't ever believe differently.

I sent this to Ashley, he was so depressed today. His self esteem seems to be rock bottom so hopefully that lifted his spirit a little. The thought that if even for a second he forgot Eve and remembered me makes me happy. I wonder if he ever does.

him & her

him.

I'm currently in a film course, and Ashely's mate David happens to be there. He's worried about him, he has no idea about the whole Eve situation, or any of the things I know that I can't ever repeat. He was in my group today so we talked a lot, we're quite good friends now. I really like him, not in that way. But I think he might. I hope not. Also, I got my braces tightened today (they're now purple hehe) and who happens to me my orthodontist? Ashley's aunt. I am seeing things to do with that boy everywhere.

her.

Ashley trusts me so much now, I know things no-one else does. But I'm really nothing more than a friend. There are times when I think 'maybe I have a shot' but then she signs on and he becomes distant, only ever paying attention if we're talking about Eve. Eve this and Eve that. Eve's so smart and funny and pretty and kind. God forbid Eve's in a bad mood or Eve feels useless. It's always about her. What about me once in a while? There is rarely another topic than 'what does Eve mean by this'. I feel helpless just sitting waiting for a machine to tell me he's steered himself away from her to notice to me? But I can't stop. I have to answer him, I just have to. Eve's old role as 'female advisor' now falls to me. It's my job to solve his problems, even though I have no idea about my own. But I got myself into this, and if it means he's happy in the long run maybe it's worth it. I'm just going to have to get used to being second to her, then things will get easier.

action. nothing. ice.

action.

I've gotten closer to Ashley lately, for the wrong reasons. I know it's wrong, but it's nearly comforting to think someone else is hurting in the same way I am. When he talks about his feelings for her I think exactly the same for me. Eve and him are so close, they end every conversation with 'love you sis' 'you too bro' which is sad for him that she only see's him that way. But Ashley and I have a 'PLAN OF ACTION' (so big it deserves capital letters) to see if Eve likes him too, because she likes someone, but she won't say who. I don't know if I want her to like him back, if she does Ashley will smile again but chances are they'll go out and that's going to hurt me and Ashley and I won't have an excuse to talk anymore. But if she doesn't return his feelings he'll stay miserable then we will still talk. Either way someone's going to get hurt, for his sake I hope it's me. I don't see Eve as an enemy or anything like that, she's in my group. She is one lucky girl and she can't help him falling for her, so I'm not wasting any energy hating her.

nothing.

In just under two weeks I will be turning fifteen. I'm not expecting much, how can I when last year everyone forgot? I'd put a circle of stars around it on the calender, somehow hoping she'd see it last week. Seven days went by and nothing happened. If I wanted anything I would have to really push it. So today I made a pot of her favorite herbal tea with a plate of biscuits, put it on a tray and brought it up to her room. Hesitating for a second, I knocked on the door. Inside the curtains were closed and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the gloom. She sat up and grunted as I handed her a cup. I nibbled the corner of a digestive as she sipped, struggling to keep eye contact. We started talking and for a few minutes we could have been any mother and daughter you see happily shopping together or the ones you see on tv.

'So what's new with you?' she eventually asked.

'Umm...' This was my chance, if I didn't say it now there's no saying I ever would:

'Well my birthday is in two weeks and I was wondering if I could invite some people over and...'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Just.'

'Not even...'

'Nothing. No presents or party.'

'But...'

'Go.'

I held back my tears as I left. All these years I thought she'd simply been distracted or forgotten but she genuinely just doesn't want me having a proper birthday. I remember running around with lame party hats on and playing pass the parcel as a kid, but any sort of birthday ground to a halt when I was about ten. I just want one person to come up and happily acknowledge the fact that I'm having a birthday soon. It's not everyday you turn fifteen after all.

ice.

I want to start skating again, I miss the ice. I know I don't have the money, the guts and as soon as school starts I won't have the time. But I still want to. I'm going to get down to the rink and just skate as soon as I can.

luca. not me.

luca.

IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU. How could you do this to me? Do you have any idea of the damage and pain you have caused me? You strung me along then broke me, making me feel it was all my fault. I can't believe how much I liked you. You've ruined everything, don't ever speak to me ever again. It's over.

not me.

Ashley and I were getting along great, talking at least everyday about music and movies and a load of other stuff until today, he saw my twitter updates about Luca and asked if I was ok and we started talking about all that 'deep' stuff, it reminded me of how Luca and I used to be. You know, except Ashley isn't a lying manipulative dickhead. And he listened to it all. I felt so much better after I'd let it all out, then a bit guilty that I'd taken up the entire conversation I asked him how he was and he said good and bad at the same time. He said he liked someone but had no idea if they liked them back. Eventually he told me. It's not me. It's another girl in my group; Eve. They're like the not messed up Luca and I if you get me. God it sickens me how I see Luca everywhere now. Anyway, she's the person he tells everything to. But he couldn't tell her, so he confided in me, like I confide in this blog sort-of. He gave me his number, something I'd been wanting for ages, but not like this. All our texts are about Eve, I want to help him because I know how he feels and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But here I am with that feeling.

is it a bird? is it a plane? nope, it's a dickhead.

Hello bloggers. Today is a little different from normal posting as it's a facebook thread. I may not have mentioned Daniel or Luca or any of that for a long time*cough* poll but it's still going on. Daniel really needs to get a life, below is happening nearly daily now. Oh well, at least it gives me a chance to practice my sarcasm, right? Oh. I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're under thirteen or if you get offended easily. Enjoy...

Annie like this and I'll post my favorite memory of you to your wall :).

3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Comment ·

You and 10 others like this.

Me

I STARTED THAT! ;D

3 hours ago · ·

Daniel

shhhhh nobody cares

2 hours ago ·

Annie

Daniel if ya wan2 be mean to ppl do it wit purpose? Don't be a dick. :)

2 hours ago · · 2 people

Wayne

‎:L

2 hours ago ·

Rachel

exactly. go masterbate and give us all a vit of peace

2 hours ago ·

‎Rachel *bit

2 hours ago ·

Daniel

kk

2 hours ago ·

Daniel you spelt masturbate wrong :P

2 hours ago ·

Ben no... i think she spelt it right :L sorry :\

about an hour ago ·

Rachel

thank you Ben :)

about an hour ago ·

Me

see daniel? being mean gets you nowhere except spelling issues :)

about an hour ago · ·

Erin

Haha This convos quite good lol - sorry bein abit nosey x

about an hour ago ·

Lee Daniel spelt it right... but he IS a dick.

about an hour ago ·

Annie

Lol Erin... Yea daniel like stop tryna be hard no one likes ppl gettin on like that

about an hour ago ·

...

Daniel no i just posted that because every time somebody posts that on their wall she wont stop reminding everyone that she posted it first (in the last while) so i told her to shhhh, so i was not trying to be hard and i didnt need 4 people coming in critisizing me bacause i said what i thought.
also, why does rachel always tell me to go masturbate? bit creepy thats the first thing that she thinks of

about an hour ago ·

Annie

Daniel just shut up :)

about an hour ago ·

Erin

Haha is ryt annie B)

about an hour ago ·

Annie Lol... All that talk just annoys me more Hahaha

about an hour ago ·

Me

If you can't say anything nice, don't. Unless the other person said something to harm you. I said it like twice Daniel, fucksake. And Rachel tells you to wank off because she knows it's the only thing you can do successfully :)

about an hour ago · ·

Annie Jeez stop it with the long speeches Hahahaha. Everyone knows daniel's wrong :)

about an hour ago ·

Me True, but he needs to be reminded of that, he will get cocky otherwise and he's a dick as it is...

53 minutes ago · ·

...

Daniel how bout you suck my dick?
bitches

47 minutes ago ·

Me

oooh that was really original I am scarred for life now.

45 minutes ago · ·

Daniel :P

44 minutes ago ·

Me oh and I would suck your dick except I don't have a microscope handy, sorry :)

43 minutes ago · ·

...

Daniel i dont really care if 2 bitches and 1 random person i dont know wanna stick up for a very annoying bitch with teeth that could bite through steel

42 minutes ago ·

Daniel ‎:L

42 minutes ago ·

Me

oh no... there goes my whole life crumbling around me now you've said that. Nobodys perfect daniel, take you and your terrible comebacks for example :)

39 minutes ago · ·

Daniel

im just tired :P
30 hours without sleep does that...

39 minutes ago ·

Daniel so how are you getting with luca?

38 minutes ago ·

Erin

I ant random im Erin + im nat stickin up for anyone :) but ni daniel

love, ats hecktic matee ..

38 minutes ago ·

...

Me aye you're such a hard lawd liek.

oh and things are fine, glad you asked :)

37 minutes ago · ·

...

Daniel also...
1. luca never liked you
2.that night at the sleepover, we werent drunk (well sortve, 2 cans of bud doesnt get you drunk), we thought it would be funny to try and convince you that he liked you, he didnt like you but he would have went out with you if you asked.
3.you are the most melodramatic person i have never met,

you make a mountain out of a molehill.

so ermmm, fuck you and have a nice day :)

32 minutes ago ·

Me there it goes, my whole life tossed away from me just like that. let's see daniel...
1. don't give a shit anymore
2. do you have no life?
3. tbh the melodramatic one is you, you're the one making a making a mountain out of a molehill when you could have let sleeping dogs lie

oh and bringing all that crap up just shows what you have to resort to to try and win the argument. and the 'fuck you and have a nice day' you've been doing that as long as I've known you, maybe it's time to join the rest of the world in the 'maturity' craze? :)

26 minutes ago · ·

Daniel

i would prefer to just be me and stay imature :D
i am happyas i am :D-k

25 minutes ago ·

Me oh em gee ur such a w33 hard lawd lieeek.

23 minutes ago · ·

Daniel

oh aye me n jaunty went down got a 10 bag nd got sooo high

20 minutes ago ·

Me

AHAHAHAHA.

No.

Oh and I see you deleted your comment :L

18 minutes ago · ·

Daniel which one?

17 minutes ago ·

Erin u Duno me but ure a Geg lol ly + daniel u Duno me either but ure a complete Scrote ye ave no life.Have fun

masturbatin Dickhead !

17 minutes ago ·

...

Daniel

i dont masturbate :D

14 minutes ago ·

Erin

say sorry to everyone uve slabbered to in This convo + then split saan

14 minutes ago ·

Erin Nobady cares wee lad :|

13 minutes ago ·

Daniel

nah no fuckin way m8

13 minutes ago ·

Me

Why thankyou Erin :)

Daniel,you deleted the one that said:
I'm a wee rebel not thinking straight I've been awake 30 hours trying to break the two day barrier

And you so do, all that spam and links you sent me? there were so many you must have been busy

:L

12 minutes ago · ·

Erin Ure pathetic like :L

11 minutes ago ·

Daniel

when did i do that?

11 minutes ago ·

Daniel

lol sounds like luca and kevins work

11 minutes ago ·

Me

I agree Erin :) and change your bloody password then, if not you deserve to have them mess around :L

9 minutes ago · ·

Me

Oh and Annie you are far too lovely to be getting all these notifications so for that I'm sorry so I'll try and stop soon...

8 minutes ago · ·

Daniel nah they mess about on my computerr and fuck about on my fb :D

6 minutes ago ·

Me yeooo a wee part33 aye? you know in those pictures you posted of them supposedly messing up your room? there's photos of them altogether so I wonder who took them? :)

4 minutes ago · ·

Me it's so obviously you trying to get attention

4 minutes ago · ·

Daniel

i let them do it, i dont really care

3 minutes ago ·

Daniel

its funny what they rite :L

3 minutes ago ·

Me See I'd just love to stay on here and have this fun conversation with you all night as you screw with your already fucked sleeping pattern even more but sadly I have to get to bed because tomorrow I have places to go where I'm wanted, not COD and a few wanks. :)

2 minutes ago · ·