going back. defences. *tumbleweed*

going back.
I missed writing in this format, so I think I'll stick to it for a while. I'll still be doing miniposts and narratives occasionally. Which do you prefer? 

defences.
Ashley's been having trouble with his ex-girlfriend and her friends so there's been a big fight over facebook and twitter. But they kept on going then loads more people got involved and it became a fight about nothing. Ashley even had to defend Kelly and I at one stage, so that was fun. One good thing came out of it though, Piggy Back guy saw the whole thing and asked what was happening and if I was okay. In the end we talked for almost five hours, first about the whole Ashley situation but then music (he has his own band), school, family, hair products (he knows far more than I do, haha) and what we want to do with our lives. He wants to be a lead singer (and he can sing so fair play to him) I eventually fessed up to wanting to write. Which he thinks is awesome, and through that I found out that he loves reading. He's awesome, I like him a lot. And the best bit? He said we'd talk again tomorrow. 

*tumbleweed*
Preparations for the Halloween Party that I'm not invited to are well under way. To make it worse, all five of them are tweeting nonstop about it. I get the feeling they're doing it on purpose, but maybe I'm just paranoid. My plans for today involve a lot of junk food, horror films and homework. Joy. To be honest I'd much rather go out in a crazy outfit and get so drunk that I can't see straight. I want to go nuts, just to see if they'd notice.

♫ Ear candy: White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons (click me) ♫

table for one?

They went to the theme park. They went to a party. They're having a Halloween party. They're supposed to to be my best friends. Thanks a lot guys.

what in the name of @*^£$%&

I spent four months wishing that you'd be mine.

Today, I found out you hate Harry Potter.

That's a very long time wasted, isn't it?

I will have no regrets.

You idiot. You stupid, stupid girl. 

When someone you like wants to kiss you; 

you bloody turn around and let him. 

so here we go! WOAAAH!

I HAS RETURNED! Sorry for the break of a week or so, I've just been so busy! Keeping up this character takes it out of you. Also, I've realized there is more to life than the hellhole that is school. Now I live for going out at the weekends. Last night I went to see Jody Has a Hitlist in concert with Anneh; they were freaking amazing. We waited for ages before the doors opened because we wanted to get to the barrier - which we did! We had to cling to it as the mosh behind us was mental but I got my arm doodled on by two of the band members. We met them afterwards too and I got my CD signed, they were so amazing! You should check them out, my favourite songs are: Boy Caught Envy, Remember this Forever, Nobody's Looking at You, Just Over A Year, See You Around and Walk it off Son. Wait that's nearly all of them... That's how good they are!

Guess who was in the moshpit? Piggy back guy. Yeah, I like him quite a bit. He's funny, has great hair, is in a band and is just lovely. He came up to us for a while and he totally had his arms around me. If I had turned around he would have kissed me, I know it. At that moment I so badly wanted to. Why didn't I? I don't know. My new persona has held up until he came along then I just froze. I became that stupid shy girl again. And I hate myself for it now. vdyxjvfbdhrgjkhzysufihlvbnhroxjh. 

Ear candy: Boy Caught Envy - Jody Has a Hitlist

a new approach - day one

I love this. I actually love being this way. Letting go is the best thing I've done in a long time. I plucked up some courage and talked to this guy I have a thing for, he's so nice! And we may have thrown shaving foam at eachother (teehee) I'm going to a gig next Saturday night, it's in a small club and the band are freaking amazing! And guess who's going to be there? The fit guy! Going to talk to him them and maybe be cheeky and ask for a dance! Eek! 

Sorry, I must sound like a mad person who has had far too much coffee which is out of sorts for me right? Not this new side, I love being happy like this! Not caring about all the small things is just... fun! I saw Ashley and Kelly in town, I know I'm over him now. Being with Kelly is slowly changing him, his personality for one. He;s just different somehow. But visually too, he's losing his... I can't describe it. He's changing the way he dresses and to be honest, I preferred the old Ashley. But I guess he's gone now and he's not coming back, at least not any time soon. She's got him totally under her spell. Oh well.

This weeks ear candy:
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit 

in the air.

It doesn't matter how I know or who told me just... ugh. But you know what? I've had enough. Not of him or her or them or anyone. I've had enough of me. Do you know what someone said to me today? "Why is your hair that colour of red? It doesn't make any sense unless it makes up for your wit." I was a bit offended, but then I realized he was right. I waste so much time wishing I was this confident person that I'm not with an amazing boyfriend and perfect friendships. I'm going to do something about it. I want to be the girl that everyone thinks is lovely and funny yet fiery and witty at the same time. When I look at those girls I would kill to be like them, so would just about anyone. It will be like I'm playing a part at first but after a while it'll feel natural. I need a change, this might just do it. I start tomorrow.
Wish me luck. 

screw it.

he knows.
and has done so for a long time.
FML

dammit.

Gaaah. He had to come into my head didn't he? 

Anyway, moral of the post is: if you like someone TELL THEM before it's too late. You never know what could happen. And now I never will...

I found the photo from Lucy at Amusing Seth 

not again.

We're in the lunch line, Kelly and I. Luca happens to be infront of us. It's the closest we've been all year. And Kelly being Kelly talks to everyone, he's no exception. So rather than make things totally awkward and keep my mouth shut, I join in. It went okay I guess, I didn't strangle him and he didn't bring up any ancient history. At one point I think we were actually laughing. Once he'd gone Kelly was all oh my god you still like him! After one conversation? No. After everything I don't think I could ever feel that way about him again. 

Today I am sick as a dog. Actually, I've never seen a dog nearly as sick as I am now so sicker than a dog. I would have posted about what I'm about to say yesterday except I fainted in the hallway, left the door wide open with the key in it and must have lay there for ages because mum found me an hour or two later. After that I couldn't really get off the sofa I felt so under the weather that I feel asleep at eight o'clock at night and didn't wake up until eight o'clock the next morning so I didn't get on the computer at all, so that's what I would have posted had I been online last night.

friday. saturday. fingers crossed.

friday.
We talked to the head of our year. Things are ok on the surface, though I think Sandy and Eve still have a few hard feelings. I tried not to take sides, because to be honest everyone was at fault. I think Kelly's going to stay, but I can't be sure. After school Kelly and Ashley roped me into going to the movies with them. We went to see Buried, a film about a man buried alive in a coffin. I had to watch it to drown out what was happening next to me. How I didn't burst into tears I couldn't tell you, but I felt exactly like the man in the box; trapped. It was dark by the time we got out, as usual Kelly and Ashley took different buses. I didn't exactly feel like taking a twenty minute bus trip with Ashley, but as we were leaving and I said I was walking he insisted I got the bus, he said it wasn't safe for me to make my way home alone in the dark. During the short time we spent together, we never shut up. Some other people from school sat behind us. Kelly isn't exactly popular with them, but they don't seem to mind me. I hopped of the bus, watched it drive away and smiled the whole way home. The effect he has on me is just... amazing. It's not fair. He belongs with me. 

saturday.
Sam got over the awkwardness of the rumour and invited me down town anyway. I'm so glad he did! The people there get me; my music, my red hair and my personality. I met a guy with a load of tattoos (yeah, even one with pikachu on it!) and that dude who gave me a piggy back last week! Ashley and Kelly wouldn't quit teasing Sam and me. They kept saying we should make out so of course they asked later that night. We decided to have a little fun of our own so responded YES WE ARE NOW MADLY IN LOVE and Kelly decided to text fourteen people before we could tell her we were only messing about, so now she's sorta/kinda/quite a bit mad.

fingers crossed. 

Tash was discharged yesterday afternoon and is on her way back to university (yeah, she's a bit older than me) so I'll miss her like crazy because she'll be in another country and all that but I am so glad she's better! Best news I've had in ages!

Untouched - The Veronicas.

a rather large incident

Rumours are not cool. They upset people and are normally complete and utter lies. Today they turned three of my favourite people against me and it got pretty messy. I'll try and explain it as best I can:

I'm in a class. Kelly's not in it, neither are any of group. Behind me sit two idiots who find it fun to bombard me. It went something like this:

"So how's Ashley?"
"How should I know? Kelly's going out with him."
"Aren't you jealous?"
"No, go away."
"So what are you doing over the weekend?"
"Just going into town on Saturday with Sam..."
"Oooh Sam!"
"Would you all sit down and be quiet?"

The teacher told us to shut up before I could say "It's not like that!" and me being the stupid child I am I forgot to correct it later. Fastforward to 4pm, I'm chilling out at home. I text Kelly hey what's up? you on for the cinema tomorrow? I get a one word text back: no. Something was obviously wrong so I replied with: That doesn't sound good, what's wrong? It doesn't matter.Was it something I did? Please tell me... Just go away. 

I could tell she was angry so I gave her some space. Next thing I know she's tweeted that she's crying. Sam said some pretty depressing things too. Finally someone relevant signed on to msn; Ashley. What's going on around here? What's wrong with Kelly? But I didn't get any decent type of answer. More tweets come and they get worse and a few tears come my way. Sam logged in and we talked for a few hours, I still don't know half of what's been bothering him. 

Eventually Kelly mades an appearance and her and Sam have a chat. I was too shy to say anything to Kelly for a while until she started a conversation with me, brace yourselves, its rather long...

(Kelly's in pink)
Hi
What happened today?
Many things, one was that I was told by more than one person that you spend all of class talking about how much of a bitch I am and that I'm only going out with Ashley to piss you off.
What? No I didn't? Who told you that?
I'm not saying names. I thought you were my friend.
I swear I haven't, even ask that girl I sit beside...
I don't speak to her. I've heard it from a few people.
I haven't said a thing Kelly...
Then where are they getting it from?
I don't know... the guys behind me bother me but I just tell them to go away...
Do you believe me?
...
So you drove me through hell today because someone told you a lie? You wouldn't have thought to clarify it with me first? Or thought that I would have never done that because I'm your friend?
No, there are other reasons too. Even ask Ashley, he's the only reason I'm still at school. That and GCSEs. I'm so close to moving, if I do it will be at Halloween. I've talked to my mum and she says it's up to me.
So I mean nothing to you? 
After today that's what I thought. If things don't get any better it looks like I'm leaving.
If that's how it is just forget me.
It's not you, it's the others. I can't take this anymore.
Can't we fix it?
No, we can't.
I'm going to the year head tomorrow about this.
What are you going to say. I don't think it's a good idea. They'll all be called out and they'll know it's because of me.
It sounds bad but if we go to the year head we will get it sorted. She's helped me so many times, remember all that stuff I got into last year? Without her I wouldn't be all smiles with certain people.
So you'll help me?
Yeah. Things haven't been right for a while. 
You noticed?
Of course! You eat your lunch really fast just to get away from them.
Oh...
But Kelly for this to work you have to be willing to get on good terms with them again.
I've tried! It's them!
I know it seems impossible. But remember last year?
Kinda...
I thought that I would never be alright with her again but now I can say hiya and have a decent conversation with her. That's at least what should happen after this, but I think we should all try.

Tomorrow we're going to the year head. I hope we get this sorted out, without Kelly I don't know that I'd do... After that Sam messaged me:

(Sam's in blue)
Did you say to some people we were going out?
What? No!

So now it's awkward. Isn't it scary how one thirty second conversation can cause all that? 

...

There is something seriously wrong. Sam, Ashley and Kelly are all in crumbles and I have no idea what's wrong. They won't tell me. I'm so worried.

thank you random guy!

Sam asked me to go to town. We've been talking a lot lately, it's nice to have someone into similar things than me. I said yes, Ashley and Kelly were off to the theme park (that I have wanted to go to for ages) with a few other people, leaving me out yet again. I met some new people, Anneh (pronounced Annie) Sam's mate and I get on really well. Beth was in too, she dyed her hair again. Oddly enough I've just touched mine up a purpleish red. So has she. She did the same thing when I dyed my hair orangey red. It was pretty awkward but after about two minutes she left me to get on with whatever it was I was doing. We actually didn't do much, just hung around for a while drinking obscurely flavoured milkshakes. I'm reasonably small and everyone else is noticeably taller than me, it was for this reason I was begging Sam to give me a piggy back. Eventually it turned into:
Me: Please?
Sam: No!
Me: Pleaaaase?
Sam: No!
(times twenty)
Random guy: (joins in) Please? Hold on what are you asking for?
Me: A piggy back!
Random guy: I'll give you one if you really want
Me: Yay! *jumps on Random guys back*
Turns out this random guy is Sam's friend... didn't catch his name but he was really nice and fit so hopefully if I go back into town I'll see him next weekend...

I think it's time to let go.