new...

new leaf.

Kelly couldn't do it. She pulled out. Then apologized. I guess she saw how much it was killing me. Now I've never said to her he's mine, back off. Kelly actually said "I would never do that to you" I didn't make her say it. She's actually going out with one of her exes again, so Ashley is pretty crushed. It's another Eve, it's nearly all he talks about. The other bits are basically my life is so awful no-one cares I will never find a girl and then there's me wanting to scream:

SHE'S RIGHT HERE. OPEN YOUR EYES. The weird thing is Kelly's trying to make him see I'm the one for him. So I guess the air between us is cleared, which is good. Kelly and I may be going on a camping trip this weekend actually, a good way to end Summer.


new crowd.
Today I ran into a few of the 'in' crowd while I was walking home through the park. They were two I actually knew well enough to make polite conversation, and they randomly invited me to starbucks. I didn't really have anything better to do so I accepted. When we got there a few more arrived. Let's rewind to the whole ruining of my life situation, so to be fair some people brought it up. One in particular, a friend of Daniel's was the worst. But I took no notice and cooly replied "The really sad thing is that you care when I don't, and I should be the only one who does, it is me after all." to which everyone went OOOOH and he shut up after that. Of course I had to watch my tongue to stop myself saying something dumb but I think I didn't say anything to stupid. Apparently everyone loves my hair, according to them. I asked if they thought I should change it and they told me to keep it exactly as it is. Next year we're all changing classes so I figure it's best to be nice and get to know as many people as possible now so I'll be able to manage easily later.


new dress. 
Tomorrow is the wedding! Quite nervous, it will be the first time I have worn a dress in quite a while. Yep, that's it up there. Picture a four foot eleven girl with bright red hair and very pale skin in it and that's me, kind-of. 

Kelly asked him out. After she promised me she wouldn't.

Ashley said yes.

rainy day

This is a little complicated, I honestly don't blame you if you can't keep up.

Sunday started out like any other day, normal; I got up, had a shower and put on my makeup. Then I got a text: I'm on the bus! Go to the stop now.Ashley. I ran. Faster than I believed I could to the shelter. I was out of breath when I got there (I'm asthmatic) but I was early. I fixed my hair and made sure my eyeliner hadn't smudged as I waited anxiously. Then the bus pulled up. I payed my fare, turned and walked down the aisle and there he was. I'd forgotten how beautiful he was. His smile made me want to melt. I sat down beside him and we chatted, compared shoes and laughed. There are three from our group that live in my area, but Keira was getting a lift so it was just the two of us. We were the first there so we sat on the grass together in the sun, I lay gazing at the sky but he didn't.

God knows how long we were there, it was wonderful, I felt so infinite. Eventually we spotted the others: Helen, Sandy, Keira and Kelly. They sat down too, but Ashley changed then, he grew quiet and only really spoke to me. Kelly had confessed to me that she liked him the night before, and later Ashley brought her up in the conversation. He asked me to ask her to meet (snog) him. I would do just about anything for him so with regret I did. She said yes. So that was what they'd planned. 

We walked around and looked in shops. Kelly and Ashley barely said anything to eachother the first while. I had to buy a formal dress for a wedding so when Kelly and Keira went off to buy cookies Sandy, Helen and Ashley tagged along with me to a dress shop. Helen and Sandy picked out dresses for me to try on while Ashley stood awkwardly outside the fitting rooms. Eventually we found on that I thought looked alright on me, by that time Keira and Kelly were done at the cookie stand and everyone said it looked lovely. Ashley, Helen and Sandy left to get pizza and Kelly and Keira waited on me while I paid for the dress. "You looked so hot in that dress, Ashley was so impressed" said Keira. "R-really?" I stammered. "Yeah, you looked gorgeous" she smiled. Kelly stayed quiet.

After lunch we went to a few shops and I noticed how alike Ashley and I are, and the differences between Kelly and Ashley. We both love rock music and heroes, she loves Miley Cyrus and The X-factor. In clothes too, I'll see something rocky and he'll like it, she won't. She dragged us into the disney store where Hannah Montana was playing loudly and everyone bar Ashley and I did the hoedown throwdown, we pretended that we didn't know them. 

The last place we went was New Look, I bought a bag to match my dress so Kelly, Ashley and I ran around looking for an open checkout before the store closed. We eventually found one with a mile long cue, so while I cued the others waited outside. Soon Ashley came back inside, alone. The others had gone off to buy a swimming costume for Sandy and one of them had suggested he'd stay with me. 

The rain came down and we ran to our bus stop for shelter and texted everyone else letting them know where we were. They found us then said goodbye. Keira got a lift, Helen took a cab and Sandy and Kelly got the bus.That left Ashley and me totally alone. We were both soaked through and shivering. That bus was forty minutes late. We had a very deep conversation, he told me what he's afraid of; he has a phobia of looking at the sky. I told him my phobia of falling from a height. I asked if he was disappointed about not meeting Kelly, he replied "a bit."

On the bus was fun too, it was still raining when I got off. I smiled the whole way home. Later I talked to Kelly on msn, it was her idea to leave us alone. But I thought she liked him? What is going on?

erm...

Aaargh. I can't even... I'm so... If I say anything right now it will be messed up, I'll sleep on it.

glitter. locked. no.

glitter.

My two week drama course has ended, so today we had the showcase. We performed a Midsummers Nights Dream, in which I played Robin Starveling (the tailor, he plays the moon in the mechanicals play) and doubled up as a fairy. Of course I was nervous, but nowhere as near as most of the girls in my dressing room, they were screaming and crying. Completely freaking out. But they calmed down eventually and the show went brilliantly. I'm going to miss everyone, those twelve days together were a blast. One boy, Elliot and I really clashed. We full-on hated each other, it was ridiculous. As the time went it gradually turned into play-fighting, maybe even as far as flirting at points. I sort-of liked him, nowhere near as much as Ashley, of course. But I wouldn't have minded a Summer fling. But I didn't get his number or anything, the last thing we did was throw cupcakes (I still have some in my hair).

locked.

I went to see Tash today. She's been in a mental ward for ten days and she's finally been allowed visitors. The hospital was built in the thirty's, it's ancient and crumbling. It reminds me of Shawshank Prison to be honest. There were three locked doors between the corridor and the ward. Everyone else in there was so much older than her, in their forty's. I was surprised to see that they'd been placed with a teenager. Then again our healthcare service is woeful, the government is too busy fighting over flags to notice anything important. She ran across the room when she saw me, but didn't recognize mum at all. I talked to her about Spain, music and concerts. At first I didn't see what was wrong with her, then suddenly Tasha broke down into tears; she couldn't handle being inside, she hadn't stepped outside for weeks. She tried to get out and asked me to help while she banged on the door, then she forgot my name. 'Manic' is what they called her state then, we had to leave. Seeing her like this is awful, but I'm going to visit as often as I can. According to a nurse I am the first person to make her smile properly since she's been there. That's gotta mean something right? It's hard to believe that this time last year I walked along the beach with the same girl laughing and eating chips, so free. Now she thinks she's been kidnapped and sleeps in a padded cell.

no.

She likes him. He likes her. I made it happen. It's happening. It's killing me.

improvements. repeat.

improvements.

One of my friends, Tasha has been struggling with her mental health lately, I think I mentioned it before. She's been in hospital for a few weeks now, but today I got a call from her mother to say I could visit as she's made progress. It will be a while before she's allowed out again, but she asked about me so the doctors seem to think it's a good idea. I haven't seen her since before I dyed my hair so I hope she recognizes me (and likes it, Tash is very stylish). She should be happy to see me successfully wearing eyeliner, something she'd tried time and time again to teach me. I may even go crazy and put on some eyeshadow, who knows.

repeat.

Ashley asked me to go to town then a movie on Sunday. Nope, it's not a date. I wish. Kelly's coming too. She randomly asked him if he'd like to play tonsil tennis with her sometime, he answered 'depends' but now he seems to have a thing for her. But she knows I like him. I don't get why she asked him to meet her, maybe it was hypothetically? I think Ashley is seeing her differently because of it. I just hope nothing happens between them, I am not having a repetion of the Eve situation with Kelly.

she wouldn't

Would she? She knows how I feel about him.

two. opening up.

two.

I HAVE TWO FREAKING LINES IN THE WHOLE OF A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHTS DREAM. I am pissed off. I'm the only person that likes the text, understands what is going on, actually tries and cares. But that's not good enough for them is it? I love drama, but I really don't see the point in picking people who hate it to represent the whole group when there are people like me who could do it so much better who are being ignored. I know I must sound terrible but there are several others like me who could do a brilliant job if we were given a chance. This week is going to be fun.

opening up.

This is my outlet. At times, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Or from falling apart. The people here are kinder then anyone I've ever met and until recently, were the only ones I could really talk to. Well that's changed a little now. Last night I finally told Ashley some things I have never been able to put anywhere but here. One not even here. I was so scared he'd just back away from the messed up girl that is myself, but he didn't. He smiled and was so nice and supportive. God he's amazing. I wish he was mine so much.

relief. dream.

relief.

The social services visit went well, I got the house in alright knack and the man didn't ask too many questions. I think we're going to be okay.

dream.

In Drama we're performing 'A Midsummer's Nights Dream' by Shakespeare. I love Shakespeare plays more than most so I jumped when I heard I had a chance to be in it. Two years ago when our class did it I was Titania, the fairy queen. It was fun and everything but I remember reading Puck's lines after I'd got the part and thinking 'damn whoever plays him is gonna have fun' so for that reason I'd love to be Puck. I think I'd do a good job, so when she was asking who wanted to read for what part I held back until Puck was called. But it never was and then it was time to leave and the director went off to cast it. I think she's going to choose Ella, the girl who read Puck when we read through the script originally, I read Peter Quince. I hope she doesn't cast me as him, it's a boring part compared to Puck.

dad. panic. possibility.

dad.

If you've been here for the majority of fiction isn't fair (which is only two months so far) it's no mystery to you that I'm not exactly on good terms with my dad. Or even know where he is or what he does to be honest. The man's quite ellusive. My last mention of him was father's day, I wasn't in a very good mood, obviously. But maybe it's time to put that past me? I'm fifteen now, and I'll probably be kicking myself if I don't get to know him in years to come. I know a woman vaguely who may be still in contact so I might pop to her house one day soon. Or ask my mum? Good idea?

panic.

I got a call from Social Services a few days ago, they're coming 'for a chat' on Monday. I am freaking out that they'll send me to a foster home or to live with one of my relatives. They won't get it that mum and I manage just fine on our own. I might be more independent than others my age, but who said that was a bad thing? Who is going to be there for mum if I'm not?

possibility.

Ashley and I seem to be closer than ever at the moment, we talk everyday about everything. I know he doesn't want to meet this girl tomorrow and he knows how scared I am about Social visiting. He is always first to say goodbye, always says sorry for leaving and always signs of with ily xoxoxox etc. I know he did that to Eve when he liked her, so maybe I have a chance?

nerves. sweet dreams - not. if only...

nerves.

This week I'm doing a drama course, to learn about script writing and maybe improve my stutter. Everyone is so much better than me, I just feel so hopeless. I can't seem to measure up to anyone, tomorrow we're auditioning for parts in our showcase. I'd love the main in the Atingony piece or After Juliette but I highly doubt that I'll get it. I'll probably be a tree or something. We've also got to write and perform monologues about inanimate objects and I drew the short straw and have one about a doll. It may actually be the worst thing I've ever written. I'm dreading performing it.

sweet dreams - not.

I spent last night at Sandy's. It was the first time I'd ever been to her house and I felt sort-of out of place. Everything is huge, and I felt so small. I think Sandy picked up on it and made me feel better and I enjoyed the rest of the night. We stayed up and talked for hours (until around 5:30am) Ashley being the main subject of conversation. *sigh* Needless to say, I have no idea how I stayed awake the next day at drama.

if only...

A snipit of Ashley and I's msn conversation from earlier. He's so very lovely...

Me:

I sort-of like someone but they are way to good for me

Ashley:

There probably not you know

Me:

they so are, they're so nice and funny and so outta my league, I'm far too boring

Ashley:

You're not boring ! And I know you can do even better, whoever he is :L

Me:

HE IS. You should see the girls he's gone out with, compared to them I'm a troll :/

Ashley:

YOUR NOT A TROLL

Me:

I am! *hides under bridge, eats goats*

but in all seriousness, I really am

Ashley:

Your NOT :L

Me:

ammmm

Ashley:

NOT

Me:

you is being nice, you don't have to :P

Ashley:

I'm telling the truth mate :L

Me:

nah the weird punk/tomboy/rock girl in the movies is never pretty, I am that girl so yeah :/

Ashley:

Your NOT

Me:

prove it

see, you can't

Ashley:

I can

*shows you your profile picture*

Your always pretty (:

Me:

you are so unbelivably nice, any girl would be so lucky to have you

Ashley:

Right back at ya

But a guy (:

That has got to be the closest I've ever come to telling him how I feel.

sirens. in the past.

sirens.

This is the 'bad news' I was referring to in the last post that I wanted to hold off. I'll make it short and sweet, I'm not allowed to go into details. A friend of mine, Bree (who is nearly sixteen) recently got a new boyfriend, who was a bit older than her (almost twenty). But she's pretty mature and has gone out with older guys before so I didn't think that much of it. Then her family found out his age and banned her from seeing him, but they continued in secret. Next thing I get a phone call from the police asking me to come down to the station to give a statement. He had a criminal record, he's dangerous, he's done time. I may be asked to appear in court, I don't know yet. They took away my friend's phone and computer for evidence and she's been banned from the landline until the end of the Summer, as well as being grounded so I have no way of contacting her. I hope to God she's alright.

in the past.

I went camping just over the border in Cavan and came home on Wednesday. Last year I had a short fling there with Josh, a boy from Dublin. We'd agreed it was nothing serious, we were both just two teenagers messing around. So when I returned to the farm and met up with friends from Summer's past (Josh being one of them) I was shocked, he'd changed so much. The first thing I noticed is that he was so much taller (not hard to pass me but still) and his voice had broken. I was a little shy and wondered if he would remember me, but it was the others who recognized me first. Apart from Josh and I there was Nicole, Stephen, Charlotte and the twins: Sean and Oisin. I feel more relaxed around boys than I do girls so I got on with Sean the best out of everyone. Now, in case you didn't already know this Ireland is a cold place. Even in Summer. And us being crazy adolescents we stayed up until around 4am each night so we were freezing. I tremble quite a bit, I'm a pretty shaky person so by the end of the week I must have worn every boy's jacket. It was on the first evening I'd seen how much Josh had changed: The twins had offered to help me put up my tent (as I am hopeless and it was getting rather dark) so the three of us stumbled around in the dark, Charlotte, Stephen, Josh and Nicole had disappeared. When we'd finally finished Stephen and Charlotte came to find us to see if we'd seen Nicole or Josh - they'd been missing for hours so we all split up and searched. Last year Josh had shown me a clearing with a river about fifteen minutes from camp where he'd go alone. I'd hoped to find him there and maybe talk as we hadn't seen much each other. As I drew near I heard voices, I wondered who would be there besides Josh so I shouted out: "Hello, anyone there?" as I came through the trees. There, sitting together under a tree were Josh and Nicole. I'd obviously interrupted something.

"Hey, what's up?" asked Nicole.

"Um... Everyone's been looking for you two for ages, are you coming down to the fire? Dinner will be done soon..."

"Yeah we'll be there in five minutes, see you then" said Josh. I walked away, not sure if I was hurt or not. After all he had been my fling last year hadn't he? Later that night when Nic went to bed we were all sitting around in the forest (as you do) talking, Josh started talking about her. I got up and left, followed by Oisin and Stephen. We hung out in my tent for a while until Charlotte and Sean appeared outside asking to come in, they'd had enough of him too. Josh and Nicole were soon forgotten and we all laughed and rambled away until the sun came up and we all went back to our tents. When I was finally alone I thought about last Summer. We'd had so much fun and become so close in just a week, he was kind, funny and had an amazing smile. Now he was arrogant, selfish and you couldn't see his face half the time because his hood was always up. It's groundbreaking how much he'd changed in just one year. Then again so had I, on the outside. But I was still the same person inside, for Josh this was not the case. It was like the Josh I knew had been stolen and someone had left a changeling in his place. But I don't regret last Summer, he was a different person back then.

the birthday post

Greetings. I am utterly exhausted, only still awake because I've been sipping leftover cans of Coke and 7up constantly throughout the evening. Yep, it was my birthday yesterday, I feel a narrative coming on...

It is one minute to midnight on the 6th of August 2010 and I'm sprawled across the backseat of a car, the rain's beating off the roof and the wind's howling outside. My ipod battery died hours ago so I've plugged my headphones into my phone and am listening to some classic rock on shuffle. My music is interrupted by a vibration, I unlock the screen to read YOU'RE FIFTEEN, something I set months ago.

A subtle smile finds it's way onto my face and I press 'next'. Tonight by The Answer plays as I think back over the absolutely terrible time I had being fourteen, then to the year ahead: I'm studying home economics, I have great friends in my classes, Ashley and I are loved up, I grow a good 5cm and dye my hair every color in the rainbow.

I glance into the front seat, mum's face is fixated on the road. I tell myself I don't care and that it's the morning that counts, but I struggle to believe that's true. We pull into the drive and make a dash for the door, I wish my mum goodnight then make my way to my bedroom, my dog and laptop are waiting for me.

Munchkin has huge, affectionate eyes as I scratch her favorite spot behind her ear while I wait for my facebook and twitter pages to load. The first thing I see is HAPPY BIRTHDAY from Ashley, sent at exactly midnight. He remembered, I knew his too of course but it still felt good. Soon texts come from the girls and I go to sleep happy.

I wake up early and stroke Munchkins soft fur and she makes appreciative grunting sounds. Eventually I get up and make my way downstairs. There's a few cards from relatives which I place on the mantelpiece before nibbling on a few cookies as breakfast. There's no sign of mum so I head back to bed, to be discovered by mother at last. She hugs me and wishes me a happy birthday then I go and have a long shower with the posh soap. I do my hair then put on a little eyeliner and that's all I have time for before I'm whisked away to town to meet up with Helen and Sandy.

We wonder around and I buy a gorgeous necklace and a cola flavored lip-gloss. The rest of my group are quite girly, but I'm a sort-of tomboy/rockchick so whenever we go shopping we don't normally visit my first choices. But since it was my birthday I took them to Forbidden Planet (manga and nintendo heaven), Fresh Garbage (awesome rock shop), Paperchase (I have an unhealthy obsession with stationary), Stiletto (girly punk), The Corrium (classic rock t-shirts and kitsch jewelery) and Starbucks (instead of McDonalds, I'm big on animal rights).

We arrive back home and muck about with waterballoons until Keira arrives. She produces a big blue tote which contained:

• a card signed by the whole group (as half are on holiday)
• a massive paramore poster (me encanta)
• really pretty blue and black nail varnishes
• a USB lava lamp (it's SO awesome)
• choccie with my name on it (mmm)
• a bag of percy pigs (in joke)

Best birthday pressies ever! Infact best birthday ever! Old readers will remember last years' failure, but Anna was so very lovely and dedicated some lovely daffodils to me, I hear one is coming up again! So I'd like to say thanks to all the lovely blogger people who say nice things and care about any blog they read not just this one. I know what it's like to have no-one to turn to, but then I started blogging and love ensued.

All of us were soaked through from our waterfight so we all got changed and lit the fire then watched funny junk on youtube. There is something seriously wrong if you don't laugh at this video, it's hilarious!

Then we watched Battle Royale, a Japanese horror similar to the Hunger Games. I'd seen it before and love it, the others were pretty freaked but once they got used to all the explosions enjoyed it! I've already stuck one youtube on so I might as well put this on too...

That post started pretty deep but ended up quite light-hearted huh? I'm in a good mood and have some unfortunate happenings to report but I'm not going to bother you with them now, it can wait for tomorrow.

fifteen

I have been a terrible blogger over the past week and I'm so sorry for that. There are many reasons for this: I went to campout then when we got back we had an artist staying in the house for a bit, one of my friends is in hospital struggling with her mental health and then there was (and still is) a bit of trouble with the police. I can't really say yet, but I'm in danger and may have to give evidence. It's my birthday today, I'm fifteen. It's sorta been ruined but in all the mess mum decided to let me have a small get together, which is happening in a few hours so I need to go and get ready, I will post everything in proper detail on Sunday after the guests have left, promise! Please bear with me, I know I've been quite good and posted at least every other day before but now there is just so much going on I can't, hopefully things will return to normality soon.